Growing up I was constantly around anger. Everywhere I turned there was anger, either from my parents, my friends, even babysitters. Ranging from very minimal to extreme, but seemingly constant. I too was an extremely angry child, raging on the inside, stuck and afraid to express exactly what I felt. All the anger grew into hatred, mostly for myself. It only made sense that everyone was so angry and so upset because of me. When my parents divorced when I was seven, I had already decided in my mind that it was my fault. I didn’t want to be in the way anymore. Later in life I developed an eating disorder mostly from self hatred and feeling like I never measured up. All of it planted in hatred, anger, and rebellion. I lost a lot of weight very quickly and got very sick, deathly. I didn’t care. That’s what I wanted anyways…to die. I started self harming at a softball game when I got angry at myself and could not go on an immediate bout of over exercise, so I discovered cutting. A whole new world opened up to me, a very dark one. From there it all only got worse. Between strange obsessions, rules, rebellion, an eating disorder and self harm, I was dying…fast. In and out psych units, I was done. I was determined nobody could help me, and I didn’t want anybody to, so no professional tried anymore. My parents desperate and trying to accept what I was doing to myself… just couldn’t. They kept trying by getting me back into rehab, and the last time, Mercy found me. I applied and went to Mercy thinking I was going to beat the system. I hated God along with everything else in my life.
The Mercy staff did everything but hate me. They loved me to the death of myself. I died in November of 2007 at Mercy and ever since I have been living with Christ in a whole new world of light and freedom. I know freedom is easy to accept but not easy to live in. It’s a choice everyday and even harder choice to make when you don’t “feel” like it. That is why my heart is for Mercy grads. I know what it’s like to be tempted beyond anything ever experienced before, I also know what it is like to be more than a conqueror and watch what God can do if only we let Him. I still have “issues”, as well all do, but I know that I serve a God who is able to walk us through the storm! I know a God who has promised to be with us always and to give us a peace that surpasses all understanding. I know a God who loves us so much that He gave His very own flesh and blood, perfect Lamb of God to be slain with the murderers and sinners just so He could adopt us. We are His and He is ours and that is my heart to share with you! That you may see and know that we are here for you to help you walk out the purposes God has for you in your life with complete and total freedom!
I love you girls and I am so excited to be walking through life with you!
No comments:
Post a Comment